gruenharry

onsede @ 8:32am: So...imagination.

Someone asked me about it lately, and it's also kind of something that's been coming up in general as children seem to be reentering my life (but from the other direction! I'm not one of them anymore! Instead...people I knew as children are supposedly "parents" now. Very weird). I had to get a birthday present for Ryan's nephew a couple weeks ago, and it was fun going to the toy store and all that...but there was also this creepy feeling that I no longer understood half of those toys. I mean sure, the puppets and toy dinosaurs and such were cool looking...but what are they really good for? I had the same experience last fall spending some time with my cousin's 4 year old. He's a very smart, very serious little boy...who wanted to pretend that his toy bears could talk and have elaborate adventures. I just kind of stood there watching and thinking, "oh yeah....this is what kids do."

So there is a level on which I think that that kind of full scale "make believe" is the province of children...and that maybe that's ok. I'm not sure I would think that the Babysitters Club books were high quality entertainment anymore, either. My brain has changed, and I think I've gained a whole lot more than I've lost. My friendships are a whole lot more meaningful...I'm not sure I ever spent ten minutes in elementary school thinking about what amazing people I knew. They were all just "kinda cool" or "fun." And I think you could take that kind of deeper understanding, greater empathy aspect of adult life and find it in a lot of places....certainly movies, books, and tv shows, probably art in general, maybe even nature.

But coming back around to imagination, it's harder to say. I'm not really willing to say that I'm not imaginative anymore....even though playing house or stranded-people-in-the-wilderness or elves or whatever else has become pretty foreign to me. And I can't really look back over the past few weeks or months and say "there....that day I was imaginative!" I guess the only argument that I have is that imaginative can also mean a general flexibility of brain. Being able to imagine tigers invading your bedroom is pretty spectacular, but being able to imagine a piece of a machine rotated 90 degrees and how it might work then is not nothing. Or being able to imagine moving to Maine even though you've never been there. Or being able to enjoy abstract and theoretical conversations. I might be stretching too much, and drawing correlations that aren't there....but that's the best I can do right now.

Thoughts?

reve119, posting in schizofriends @ 9:52pm: My main hallucinations for the past several months have taken place at that mental state between fully awake and asleep. Definitely not asleep, but not up, walking around, talking to people, working, etc. I'm just laying there and they start happening. I hear this also happens in people without a mental illness. Is this common for them, though? Does this happen to you? I never dealt with this before this year.

mhwest, posting in lj_maintenance @ 2:17pm: MemcacheD Update
Just wanted to let everyone know, that a new version of MemcacheD has been released. We will be rolling this out to the memcache nodes during the week of July 20th to 24th. This should have very little impact on the stability of the website; however users may see a slight increase in load times as the cache is re-populated with entries.

The software has been tested and verified to be working just fine with the application; so we perceive this to be a very minimal risk in regards to updating, and the stability of the website.

Thanks...

theljstaff, posting in news @ 4:12pm: Notes, Geo-Location, Pingbacks, Birthday Wishes, and More
New Notes Feature
Automatic Detect Location
Pingbacks for All
Birthday Wishes

( Read more... )

sethor, posting in suicidesupport @ 12:58pm: Has anyone here found any reason not to kill yourself yet? I don't expect to find any, but I am looking still, while I can.

untied, posting in schizofriends @ 4:37am: i can't tell if the things i'm feeling/thinking/noticing are symptoms or truth.

there are no voices or hallucinations, but i am trying hard to determine if the things i'm feeling, and my reactions to others, are coming from a place of paranoia and ideas of persecution.

how can you tell your real feelings from your false?

sylvercheetah @ 10:10pm: All Better
That was quick.
I talked to Keith on the phone, so it was like 45 minutes and it wasn't all that pleasant but I think things have a chance to get better from here on out. I really do.
He managed to remind me why I no longer wish to date him, and yeah...
But I still care about him, I still love him and I always will, so friends it is.

I hope his new relationship lasts, because he seems really happy... and I don't know who else will put up with everything I did. Ok, okay, to be fair, we both put up with a lot from each other. We both tried. And together we failed.

sylvercheetah @ 10:16am: Just Feeling Jilted
So, it turns out Tristan was never in a brand new relationship. But I do feel particularly jilted now that Keith is; especially given the direction of the last month, and the conversation we had Tuesday last week.

I was rereading my entry about the break up and in particular this part stood out - "So, in an effort to repair my life and tie up the loose ends - I feel like I cut the wrong ties, and am floating adrift in a sea of confusion."

I can't say I feel any differently now, over a month later.
I miss the HELL out of Keith. I STILL keep thinking about the good times and what we had. I never knew I would miss him so much.
I honestly haven't felt this miserable since Tristan broke up with me all those years ago, and that's really saying something.

Once again, I am aware that the adult thing to do is be happy for Keith that he finally found someone who makes him happy and accept the fact that it's not me. I realize our relationship was hard at times, and we both put a LOT of work into it these last 4 years - perhaps more work than we should have. But that doesn't change the fact that I miss it. I miss HIM.

I won't go so far to say as I'd do anything to have it back. But I would thrill at the chance to work things out between us - even if it's years down the road - and get back together. I think we could do it right if we had a second chance.
But to wish for that is to wish his current relationship - which makes him happier than I ever did (apparently - and what you're thinking is right, that's not an easy thing to hear) - ends.
In the end, I want him to be happy. At least one of us has a chance at that. I don't think I even know how to do that anymore.

my_cream_tea, posting in suicidesupport @ 5:44pm: My Aunt
I was just wondering if anyone had any statistics on the percentage of people who leave suicide notes?

sylvercheetah @ 6:52am: Never Mind
With or without knowledge it doesn't get any better.
Although the silence is deafening, and limbo is soul-crushing, knowledge doesn't make things any easier.

otherthanhuman2, posting in schizofriends @ 10:17pm: I don't know what's exactly going on.

I am right now borderline mad and sane. I'm able to stop myself from going too crazy, reassuring myself that this is all in my head, but a little voice in my head tells me that they're after me. That they know about my life and they are willing to kill my family. I cannot allow that.

I was scared and I wanted to talk to somebody, but I was afraid of losing another friend due to my bullshit. I am trapped. I don't want to go anywhere else right now but once in a while spying outside the windows, thinking they're coming with guns. I can't go outside, fear of killing my sister while I'm away. God, I'm scared for my mother right now. I don't know what to do.

But this is all in my head, right? It can't be real. Too ridiculous. Why would they want me? I am not capable of killing anyone.

I need to just stop and think, but my brain is filled with so much shit that I can't think at all. All I'm doing is staying in my room, wary. I know I am sane as well, as I keep on telling myself that this is false, but yet I...believe in it.

I just want to live like a normal person and this is the price I have to pay.

sylvercheetah @ 11:30am: Is It Better
Is it better knowing or not knowing?
Not knowing I torture myself.
With knowledge I know what to torture myself with.
And I can't stop with simple knowledge, no. I must delve as deep as possible and shoot myself in the foot. Because clearly, I hate myself.

onsede @ 8:30am: In high school, I used to joke that I wanted to read more books by old white guys. Hundred Secret Senses and Yellow Raft on Blue Water and all those other "diversity" books they forced us to read just didn't do it for me. Give me Steinbeck (so long as it wasn't Travels with Charlie) or Mark Twain or Sinclair Lewis.

In college, not being forced to take a generalized literature class mostly solved this problem for me. And I started to realize the virtue of maybe throwing someone female in to the guest speaker circuit...especially if the guest speeches were going to be about this is my life and my career and maybe one day you can grow up to be me. So yeah, maybe a little forced effort at diversity is not such a bad thing....even if I still contend that Yellow Raft on Blue Water just wasn't all that great of a book. And yet about a million times better than Animal Dreams.

Since college, the overwhelming bulk of my reading has been blogs. I went off the deep end at first, reading almost exclusively women bloggers....a lot of mommy bloggers...because all of a sudden I was fascinated with women and how women live their lives. With the election, I also got into a lot of political blogs, and now that makes up most of what I read. An interesting thing has happened though. Two of the blogs I subscribe to are actually written by a group of people who take turns posting, rather than being any one person's personal soapbox. And in each case, one person within that group is a woman. Sometimes I take note of who's writing each post and sometimes I don't...but overall, I find myself liking the posts by women a lot more. It could just be the individual authors, but I'm starting to buy into the idea that women writers bring a different and important perspective to a whole range of topics that you're just not going to get from men. And I'm almost kind of surprised by that.

Next I'll be outraged that various legislative branches aren't 51% female.

soultochange, posting in suicidesupport @ 3:26pm: On my mind
 ("Suicide is Painless" by Johnny Mandel) - M*A*S*H Lyrics


Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...

[chorus]:

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

[Chorus]

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
so this is all I have to say.

[Chorus]

MASH
The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...

[Chorus]

A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
'is it to be or not to be'
and I replied 'oh why ask me?'

'Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
...and you can do the same thing if you choose.


Im new to this group and yes i have in addition to this group joined a few others.. My name is Jason, i've just recently been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and i've attempted suicide a few times but no one believes me and i refused to be hospitalization. I overdosed on sleeping pills. That would/is my preferred method if/when i attempt again. i use if or when because at the moment i don't feel desperate enough to want to kill myself yet i fear with all the issues i'm having right now it's not to say it wont happen again. I'm alarmed at my own thought process so if anyone else is by readiing this i agree and understand. Lately i've been obsessed with the song, Suicide is painless." it's the theme song to that old 70s show M.A.S.H. love that show. still play re-runs on hallmark channnel. The lyrics are so honest. I understand the meaning of the words and they reflect, in a nutshell, how i feel about life and the choice to leave it is a... very ambivilant. I'm torn between two opposing choices or courses of actions. Again as i said i'm not desperate right now. I was recently hospitalized twice in the last two weeks. Two weeks ago my sister took me to the ER cause i was very deeply depressed with hyperventalation and i said i wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. Be honest i still feel that way sometimes. And last week i was hospitalized because i had a really bad panic attack at work and work called 911 and sent me to the hospital. I'd rather fall alseep and never wake up cause it seems this "condition" is causing me more stress and i didn't ask for it nor am i making it up or looking for attention or whatever stigma someone/anyone wishes to pin on me. I find it hard to accept when my father thinks all of these "issues" have come about "all of a sudden". My interpretation to this is that just because he never noticed it before doesn't mean it never existed. It's much more difficult to deal with because my father himself had severe depression and attempted to kill himself a year and a half ago while i was home on the weekend. He's never talked to me about it. He's... very much in his own illness/disease/condition (whatever you want to call it) and takes a lot of control and limits his treatment. He's not a huge believer in therapy and is only on medication as a condition to his ability to go back to work because as it happened the stuff he ODed on he took from where he works. (my father is a nurse at one of the local hospitals in CT). So imagine my loneliness and isolation in having to deal with this bipolar "curse" and yeah it really does suck. My sister, the one who took me to the hospital two weeks ago, has bipolar disorder as well on top of having scitzoeffective and fibro myaligia. so she's got her own health issues. She's been dealing with the bipolar since she was 16 and is just starting to get her life stable. I'm a twin, just as an FYI. I was always the invisible twin so i'm a strong believer in thinking that the reason why my own issues with depression has been left untreated for so long. I was 12 years old when i started using various methods to make me numb. My mom wasn't the best mom in the world and yeah she tried her best and unfortuantely it wasn't always in my sister or my best interest. We were neglected, i was constantly poured with negative attention and comments such as "Your love has to be bought", "You're such a rotten child i might as well give you up for adoption" etc. Get the picture? So suicide was always a thought. I attempted several times with no effort and noone noticed my numb, expressionless presence on my face or my slow movement. They all thought i was just tired. I wasn't "just tired" i was hurting inside but i could explain it. So at 12 years old how do you tell your neglective mom that you feel unloved? It doesn't help that i was rapped when i was 15 and have struggled greatly with my sexuality and gender. I also struggle with the discrimination and no that added stress doesn't help. Being told that your gender "confusion" is just that. a confusion and if i gave myself some time maybe i will "change my mind". If i'm ashamed of being called a female does that not mean anything? to anyone? 

imjustafraud, posting in suicidesupport @ 12:39am: this probably doesnt make any sense
I dont want to kill myself, but I dont want to live anymore. I just wish i didnt exist all together. that would be easy.

silent_4_now, posting in suicidesupport @ 5:38am: step 2?
ok, so I found my triggers for bad things(which is the first step). Now what do I do about them? these are my triggers: first work of any kind-that triggers cutting, then cutting-that triggers thoughts of suicide. So as long as I work I can't live! Then what stop working x.x? I got a new job a couple years ago because of this. Should I now try another one? This job is great, it has benefits and it is a good company. I wish I knew why work triggers cutting, then I might be able to stop it there if I can figure that out. I have to work! and I have to live! what is step 2?

sylvercheetah @ 4:14pm: What a Weekend!
So, yeah, if I could I would absolutely do this whole weekend over again - every last bit of it!
However, next year I get to set off the fireworks for one of the Chicago suburbs, OOOH YEAH! Guess which one.

134_851_544, posting in schizofriends @ 10:37pm: I'd like to not be crazy any more, please...

I feel trapped.  Trapped in a body that's not just the wrong physical sex, but doesn't work properly any way and is quite literally falling apart.  But even more than that, I feel trapped inside a strange mind.  Can anyone, I wonder, begin to fathom the complexities, the nuances, the myriad confusing & conflicting thoughts, the trillions of storms constantly raging inside my mind?  Can anyone begin to know or even try to get what it's like to know consciously that you're insane, to be fully aware of yourself, but to be trapped inside a broken mind that you cannot control?  It's difficult to describe; it's like I'm sane and insane at the same time!  That alone causes me stress, confusion that I am unable - despite every true effort - to cope with with, emotional instability and fluctuations that I cannot predict, that have no trigger.

I can be fully aware that my actions, words, the things I see, smell or hear are 99% of the time abnormal.  They are out of the ordinary, not of the norm...  Not real some of the time.  I am conscious of these things, and yet I am unable to stop them, control them, and don't even think about a cure.  Schizotypal Personality Disorder has no cure.  I was born with it (yeah, thanks mum!!) and I will die with it.  I am insane; crazy; nuts; abnormal; eccentric; easily stressed; easily pushed to self-harm and/or suicide attempts, and unpredictably swing between mania depression to the same end(s); easily confused; I have delusional thoughts where I will believe that something society might consider "fantastical" or simply fantasy, is in fact real; I don't understand simply things to the point to sometimes violent (but never to a living person or animal etc.) physical displays of frustration; my emotions fluctuate rapidly and erratically; my thoughts are paranoid, violent, abnormally sexual, confusing, sometimes not my own; I am...

...

A hiddeous thing!

I think the video behind the following cut also fairly accurately describes part of who and what I am.  I say part, because it would take more than this brief journal entry to put everything in my head down coherently enough for anyone to "get it"; it would take the memory capacity of a supercomputer and a vastly more articulate than me telepath to help me find the words.

( Warning: The video has a 30 second advert at the start! )

Thank you for letting me ramble, letting my mind spill out just a little onto these pages.

X-POSTED TO cuttersselfharm, 134_851_544 & schizosurvival