gruenharry

untitled_fate, posting in schizofriends @ 12:36pm: upside down once again
 So I was finally getting my back together a bit. I had a job, I was interacting with my family, going to church, getting involved in a youth group, hanging out with friends. And then all of a sudden my life went back downhill again. The voice came back, yelling and screaming fit to burst. Angry feelings consumed me, I was pissed of all the time - angry at myself, angry and my parents, angry at my sisters, angry at my boss. The voice was telling me to do all kinds of illegal things. I couldn't walk into a store without the voice screaming at me to steal something. I tried to control the impulses. I don't want to be a bad person. But one day the voice was getting the better of me. I was at work and having a hard time grasping reality. I was in a haze of confusion - literally. I felt like there was this screen between me and the world, and i couldn't reach through it to connect with reality. Literally it affected my vision. Everything was fuzzy and distorted. The air molecules and atoms came back, interfering with everything. The clattering in my mind started up again. Every time some one spoke, it got louder, and their voice reverberated in my head. Also, I knew people were watching me, evil people who wanted to kill me, who knew that I knew something, even though I don't even know what it was that I knew, but I knew that these people were plotting against me.
And then it happened. Some lady left her purse in our shop. Through the haze that I was trying to function through, the voice screamed at me "Steal the purse! Steal the purse!" And I didn't even think about it. I just took the purse. After work I went through it, took a five dollar bill out of it, and then suddenly disgusted with myself, threw it away, not wishing to have anything to do with it.
Well, things certainly blew up in my face. The police got involved, and I got fired. Now I have a court date and no job. And I'm still in a haze of everything. I still can't quite connect with reality. I'm such a bad person, but I don't know how to change myself. I hate hurting people. I hate being evil. That's why these people want to kill me - they're not evil, I am, and they need to knock me off.
I don't know what to do.

lucidpseudogod, posting in schizofriends @ 10:59pm: Schizo linguistics
We have survived with our thoughts and experiences. And we need new language, and new words to better communicate with each other what we experience.

A calm refinement of language that we can hone with each other and then make an improvement in the ability
to rationally relate the mental changes we experience and the feelings they produce.

How our experiences are related to us by the 'normal' world, is through their own medical terminology
and technical jargon.

We wave, shift spectrums, change categories, juxtapose ideas.

All too often way too fast to translate into spoken language, we see ideas externally, we feel parts of
our brains, minds, energies change modes.

the reality that we live in many worlds, by force, by habit, makes us responsible for so many levels of
thought, and on each level, our pains and puzzles that we keep, hold the answers and solutions

to so many questions and situations that the un-burdened world struggles with.

they cannot ask us the questions

we cannot tell them the answers.

We lack the language to say


'when I shift my mind thusly, I see your mind rise and fall on these levels
that energy is a category, and the situation it describes, perhaps, holds these possibilities'


a few years ago I did not have the proper resolve, nor understanding to create more language
to better understand ourselves and our world-s.

one word I remember

Velocitanimosity, perhaps the feeling of adrenaline as thoughts get faster and faster.

Can we make, synthesize, and juxtapose, verbs, nouns and adjectives to better suit our needs?

yes, I believe we can.

Language is a function of dna, and we, with different dna, cannot let ourselves be vetoed out
of the language creation process due to a marnigalization of our skills.

and we do have some skills to brag about.

Good Night Ya'lls

melissa35, posting in schizofriends @ 6:11pm: What are the affects of caffeine?
Right now, I'm enjoying a coka cola. It is good and sweet. You know how you would love to have a good cup of coffee from the Waffle House with sugar and cream. I prefer black coffee with sugar and caffeine. You get that good buzz going on, but how does it truly affect our medicine and brain? Seriously. I've relaxed swimming part of the day while neglecting one of my important chores. I'm freezing cold, and I don't hear myself speaking to me except in a whisper. I think to the voices in my head because I'm crazy enough to communicate with them. I try ignoring them sometimes, but who can be rude to children in your head who sometimes grow up rather quickly. It is odd, I know, but it is a part of me I have to deal with and I wonder if this fresh new caffeine is doing anything. I don't feel anything except a need to talk about it. I enjoyed a few cups of coffee at my Dad's, but didn't disclose the information until now. I tried being caffeine free for a bit. But you know, getting those caffeine jitters. No wonder I'm so overweight and fat. I know coke cola can make my ankles swell worse than ham. I often wonder if I will ever be small and skinny again instead of a giant peach without James. Bad pun, I know. I love eating. I love food. It's sinfully good. I wanted to go to Subway today without the kids. I wanted a footlong and a coke. I wanted caffeine. Has anyone done a medical study on what caffeine does to the mentally ill on risperdal, depakote and wellbutrin? Well, I'm performing that study on myself trying to see how badly it interacts with my medicine. As I will discover, I will not consume mass amounts of caffeine all at once because I'm fully aware of the manic high I will reach. That much I am aware of and do know. In fact, I think I know my answer now how caffeine affects my medicine. I suppose I would be online looking for an old love and acceptance then I would probably Q online spending mass amounts of my disability until I'm broke with no more eating out. Tragic loss. I cannot bear it, but I cannot bear eating alone. Sometimes I can. I wonder after a few drinks of caffeine were my thoughts consistent or racy? Tell me what you think. Was I a total schizophrenic who thought and made sense or you don't know what the heck I'm complaining about now? You decide. Can we enjoy caffeine in moderation? or must we be excessive?
Have a beautiful blessed day!

dark_fall, posting in schizofriends @ 8:18pm: rage increasing
I'm on 160mg of Geodon taken at night, and I was on 15mg of Zyprexa also taken at night. Since the Zyprexa was causing me to gain weight, my doctor wants to reduce how much of it I take. I've been on 10mg for about a week and a half, and on Friday I'll start on 5mg to see if that works. Zyprexa has been very good at controlling my Voice. Since I've stepped down, its still been under control, but I'm noticing a side effect. It seems that my intrusive thoughts of violence are increasing with the decrease in Zyprexa.

Basically, I have thoughts of harming almost everyone I come in contact with. I have no desire to hurt anyone, but I still see myself doing things to them that I would never actually do. They had gone away for the most part, or at least became easier to ignore, but this week, they've been back in full force. Everyone I see, I see an image of myself hurting them on top of it. Its hard to separate whether its a hallucination or just intrusive thoughts because I actually see it. Its like transparent overlay on top of everything I see.

I want to tell my doctor, but last time I mentioned self-harm, he wanted me to check in the hospital. If I mention wanting to harm others, he might suggest that again. The thing is, i don't think the hospital would do anything for me. I just need to find my balance with these meds. Sometimes that pisses me off.

lucidpseudogod, posting in schizofriends @ 3:22am: "we have stolen your identity"
well, my paranoia -self diagnosed or self realized- has finally caught up with me

technological paranoia, that machines will take over, and computers will be trusted
with things that are 'needs be' to be trusted with people to.

satelites watching people and scanning them for emotions with bio-feedback resonance
infra red emotion sequencers and triggers.

hit someone's family in peril when someone is having emotions that occur with intelligent thought
and organize schedule's on a computer that make people's phone ring whenever they are

found to be 'thinking, and feeling'


called my voice mail a while ago

there was a busy signal?

a voice said

-we have stolen your identity-

I wonder if it was those nice black people that robbed us all at gunpoint
last year

that have my social security number?

or perhaps my brother's con artist girlfriend who is 45ish who is
obsessed with Harry Potter and 'magick' and stealing people's identities?


with this much trouble causing 'good citizens'

we're not supposed to be paranoid, when everyone hides behind computers
suits and ties and other get ups?


what is the rational viewpoint,

someone?

melissa35, posting in schizofriends @ 10:09pm: Home sweet home
I am finally home now. I'm very happy. All of my family is here. It is amazing when you have love and support of wonderful people. I pray that all of you have the love and support of very special people because I felt a good loving smile go across my face. A happy laughter to share. I feel loved and not alone. I wanted to share my joy with the community. Yes, the kids are here. My Mom and Dad are here too. Ok, there is a little conflict with my sister and brother in law so please pray for them to get it right. I still hear the voices, but they are calm. I have a feeling I will respond with my mind if not my mouth to the voices in my head. One of them tells me that Kenny wants me to feel his love. I would love that very much even though I'm scared. I wish I were not so scared to feel a man's love. It has been a long time, and I don't know what kind of love there is for me to expect to feel. I honestly want to feel the love I dream of feeling. I feel the special love of family, and it makes me happy. I wish I could feel your love Kenny and give you the same love in return without fear. I heard you on my radio, and I was happy. I'm sharing this happiness with you too Kenny because that is the way I'm loving you now. I pray you feel my love too. I hope I didn't embarrass you or make a fool of myself with the things I'm hearing about you. That is the reason I'm scared because I want it to be real. I don't know if your leading me to a path of obsession, and your not going to enter my life then I play the fool who will enter into the hospital with more affective drugs. I guess that is why I offer my friendship to you to be safe. Yes, I'm single. I'm not alone around family and friends. Yes, I desire a love I see between both of my parents and their spouses. I pray for it and dream of it. Whoever you choose Kenny, in my heart, I will always love you even if it must be as a friend. I love the people who read this and the people who have given me a chance. Thank you!
Have a beautiful blessed evening! God Bless You!

his_bee, posting in schizofriends @ 3:08pm: getting sick again

and i just say my psychiatrist, but it was like i couldn't tell her everything. i felt like i lost my words or someone took them from me. and i was afraid to tell her the whole truth...i don't know why. i do want to get better. even if it means the hospital again. i went n with every intention of telling her everything....but then i couldn't. i don't know how else to describe it.

anyone else ever get  like an irrational fear of disclosing symptoms or even an inability to voice them?

i'm not sure what to do now, because my next appointment isn't for 5 weeks and i'm a bit afraid of how far gone i could be by then.

mordak88, posting in schizofriends @ 10:10am: Hi! Mind if I join in?
Hi, my names Tahlia and I've just found this community. And you guys all seem pretty damned cool.

A brief intro: I'm 20 years old, I live in Australia and I'm Schizoaffective and have Borderline Personality Disorder, too. I've been "ill" in that regard since I was about 14 years old, but with my last psychiatric episode (held involuntary for most of May 2008 *grumbles*) it was finally discovered that BPD was only half my problem. I was in a really deep psychosis- not in the "real world", unable to eat, unable to sleep, paranoid of everyone and everything. I was convinced that people were reading my mind and tweaking with me.

Anyway, I'm getting better.

I take Seroquel (300x3 a day= 900mg) and Tegretol (200x2 a day= 400mg) to help manage my symptoms.

Is that a high dose? I've never really chatted about it all that often.

*toddles off*
Cheers :-)

melissa35, posting in schizofriends @ 5:41pm: I almost wanted to hurt part of my family today
Just the fact that the thought was lingering in my mind. I heard my sister talk about how stressed she felt because of being a young teenager. Now, that I think about it, I realize she does have stress in her life. Yet, I couldn't believe it, I wanted to smack her up the head and part of me feels like doing it still. I hate having that thought because I don't want to hurt her. I want to see her succeed with financial independence working at her new job. I want her to attend college choosing a profession. I want her to prove herself responsible and able to take care of herself. I know she can do it. I love her.
Ok, I wanted to smack my step Mom for being so mean to her and judgemental of me because of my schizoaffective behavior. She doesn't believe I have it, but I do. If the disease has been with me for years then it has been even though it may have manifested through stressful situations. I think she is a rude woman too. And why do my brothers and sisters have to find someone christian? It is good to love your enemies. It is good to love one another. Perhaps situations will be different, but why not another sinner. Roy Rogers became a christian after a few years with Dale Evans. I mean why not? People need people whether they admit or not. I just wanted to punch her in the face. I don't want to do it, but yet, she provoked me into feeling like doing it. I just pray I don't do it.
I'm afraid to hurt my family and even my friends. I remember my friend Mike when we were in New Orleans. I wanted to shoot him, and I didn't know why or what reason?? Isn't that weird. I wanted to kill him. I didn't have a valid reason. Is that part of my mental illness? Is it?
I remember hearing the voices in my head telling me that I had tapped my real Mom and step Dad with a hammer, but that I used that hammer again to knock my sister, and brother in law upside the head to straighten them up. I really did it. I wasn't aware of what I was doing. I blacked out. I heard it from the voices what I had done. It upset me. Yet, at the same time, I'm glad my brother in law( though I dislike him) and sister are still alive hoping getting their life together. I don't want them living at home with me.
I needed to talk about this because I felt provoked. I wish someone would IM me who has ever felt this way. Melissawrites971@aol.com

jinx21, posting in schizofriends @ 3:42pm: depressed.
Its like the sky is opening up and my 'real' world is being revealed. and its not so pretty. I want to just sleep. I dont want to wake up. I dont want heaven or hell or nirvana or reincarnation. I just want to sleep. Going to the land of nod. That would make me so happy. I keep looking at my wrist seeing the vain. it makes me want to cut my wrist.

twitchytwitch, posting in islam @ 6:32pm: Letters from the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam)
PROPHET MUHAMMAD'S
CHARTER OF PRIVILEGES TO CHRISTIANS
LETTER TO THE MONKS OF ST. CATHERINE MONASTERY


In 628 C.E. Prophet Muhammad (s) granted a Charter of Privileges to the monks of St. Catherine Monastery in Mt. Sinai. It consisted of several clauses covering all aspects of human rights including such topics as the protection of Christians, freedom of worship and movement, freedom to appoint their own judges and to own and maintain their property, exemption from military service, and the right to protection in war.
An English translation of that document is presented below.

This is a message from Muhammad ibn Abdullah, as a covenant to those who adopt Christianity, near and far, we are with them.
Verily I, the servants, the helpers, and my followers defend them, because Christians are my citizens; and by Allah! I hold out against anything that displeases them.
No compulsion is to be on them.
Neither are their judges to be removed from their jobs nor their monks from their monasteries.
No one is to destroy a house of their religion, to damage it, or to carry anything from it to the Muslims' houses.
Should anyone take any of these, he would spoil God's covenant and disobey His Prophet. Verily, they are my allies and have my secure charter against all that they hate.
No one is to force them to travel or to oblige them to fight.
The Muslims are to fight for them.
If a female Christian is married to a Muslim, it is not to take place without her approval. She is not to be prevented from visiting her church to pray.
Their churches are to be respected. They are neither to be prevented from repairing them nor the sacredness of their covenants.
No one of the nation (Muslims) is to disobey the covenant till the Last Day (end of the world).

---------------------
http://www.cyberistan.org/islamic/charter1.html
---------------------

( A Letter from the Prophet Muhammad To The Assyrian Christians )

peoplevsme, posting in schizofriends @ 1:47pm: Intrusive thoughts. Do you have them? What are yours like? Do they scare you?

Mine tend to be about hurting myself, badly, even though I'm not suicidal. They scare me a lot because it takes a lot of effort not to act on them.

(Sorry for posting so much.)

stefanierose20, posting in schizofriends @ 3:53pm: off my meds for to long

I just got out of the hospital about three weeks ago. I have been on the risperdal consta shot for almost a year (ever since Greystone) but I really hate the shot so I decided that I'd rather take the pill. I don’t have a script for the pills yet and my doctor can’t see me until Monday. I already am starting to feel "weird". Last night I had a hard time falling asleep because I was afraid someone was going to kill me. I am not at a point where my paranoia is overlapping into my reality. In other words, I know I'm being paranoid. There are times when I don’t know Im being paranoid; I think it’s all real. I want to get my meds soon so that I don’t get worse and end up in the hospital again. I was just diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder about a year ago; I ended up in Greystone which is a state institution for four months. It really sucked but I have been pretty stable since then, that’s why I really need my meds soon. I joined this community to get support and understanding. So many people don’t understand schizoaffective/ schizophrenia. They think we are all violent or a bad person which is obviously isn’t true. I hope I meet some new friends

 ;-) 

reignst0rm, posting in schizofriends @ 7:11pm: Paranoia
This is a relatively new symptom for me, and it's getting troubling. It's something the meds don't seem to quell. How do any of you, if you suffer from paranoia, deal with it?

melissa35, posting in schizofriends @ 1:21pm: my bad habit of sleeping, it is true
Ever since I've been on my medication for my mental illness, sleeping has been a very bad habit for me especially this week since I've been on vacation. It never fails, I sleep. In fact, I think I might go in the living room and sleep too after I write this small information tidbit about myself. I sleep before I shower. I sleep before and after I eat. I sleep and sleep. I think I am depressed because I have no man in my life. I guess you could say my friend in Tennessee who called me Loser and Your fat really discouraged me from looking at men and finding a man. It hurt my feelings because he was inconsiderate and rude except what can I say most men will behave childish and immature not like Jeff Bridges in The Mirror Has Two Faces. He appreciates women even when they do struggle with weight. I especially like it when he tells his friend that Rose is eating carrots, she is eating carrots!! because she got skinny for herself and him, I think. The point is he loved her fat and thin. Carrots or burgers. Now, I'm going to go sleep and let my hair dry. I should expect a visit or maybe not a visit anymore from my visiting while you sleep friend who doesn't tell who he is, but another reason I enjoy sleeping. I'm tired now. I don't want to do anything on my vacation really. I don't want to shop. I don't care to eat. I just want to continue my bad habit of sleeping.

andymeg, posting in schizofriends @ 10:56pm: As usual, this group is helpful, supportive, constructive & awesome. Thanks all.

peoplevsme, posting in schizofriends @ 12:19pm: Seroquel?
My doc just put me on Seroquel in addition to my Abilify to counteract this psychotic episode I'm in the middle of. (Since I posted the other day, my symptoms haven't gone away, and he doesn't think the alcohol had to do with the psychosis after all.) He raised my Abilify from 20 to 30 mg, and put me on 50 mg of Seroquel as needed every 6 hours. So my question is, what should I expect from the Seroquel? Like effect-wise and side-effect-wise. Any info would be helpful. Thanks.

dark_fall, posting in schizofriends @ 9:17pm: cocktail
I've been on Geodon since sometime around Christmas. Its done good things with my paranoia and delusions, but not so good things with my hallucinations. My voice actually got meaner after I started it, and I finally broke down and told my pdoc about the voice. I also told him I wasn't sleeping well. So to combat these things, he prescribed me Zyprexa, a full 15mg. There was no buildup to see if a lower dose would work, he just put me straight on 15. It helped with my sleep and it brought the voice back under control. But now I'm gaining weight. In the past year since I started taking antipsychotics and was diagnosed, I've gained somewhere between 30 and 40 pounds. I was underweight before, so gaining a little was okay. 10 or 20 I'd have been fine with, but 30 is starting to make me feel, and look, fat. My pdoc wants this under control, so he's having me step down on the Zyprexa, to see what level I can take and still have the voice under control. So far I've been on 10mg for the past couple of days, and things have been okay. No instances of the voice telling me to hurt myself, which was the main problem with it, so I think I'm doing good. After two weeks of 10mg, I'm suppose to step down to 5 and see if that works too.

But then, even after all this, I still have to figure out a way to lose weight. Weight has never been an issue with me, and I've never had to exercise to lose weight. I could go to the gym at work, but part of my paranoia is being watched by other people, so I always end up leaving if there are other people there. I'm trying to limit my intake of food and crap like soda and candy, but sometimes I need that caffeine just to stay awake. I used to go for walks, but even then the paranoia kicks in and I can't get away from the thoughts that I'm being watched from every house I walk past. So I don't know what to do.

aghostchild, posting in schizofriends @ 11:27pm: visual noise
do any of you have constant visual hallucinations - well, not hallucinations so much as a bizarre warping of what is already there? i see a sort of static effect in the air almost all the time, and little particles whirl around. it's not any sort of entoptic phenomenon, i know because it is a very intricate and vast matrix of what looks like strands of energy and particles of magic. i know it's not my eyes because it's still there when i wear my glasses, and will often turn into little insects and attack me, or spirits and whirl around. i can run my hands through it, making balls of energy if i focus and sometimes tearing holes in it, like it was gauze or spiderwebs. sometimes on very rare occassions i feel a sort of popping feeling, like i were running my hands over electrical wires.

i've had a few people be able to relate to me on this, but not many. have any of you experienced anything similar? my world looks like van gough's starry night, like superstring theory realized on a larger scale, like something profoundly spiritual. i'm not saying it is - i try not to assume about these things. and honestly it's at the point where i experience it so much that it gets kind of boring. it doesn't feel so magic anymore.

also, on the topic of visual hallucinations, do any of you experience a lot of light trails? i know that is common in drug intoxication and affects of psychadelics but i haven't heard many schizophrenics mention it. i'm mostly just curious - i know my diagnosis (at least right now, until i start thinking it isn't true and i'm perfectly healthy) and i had a lot of brain scans to make sure nothing was wrong with my head. anyway, thank you for your time.

andymeg, posting in schizofriends @ 9:22pm: Hello.
I don't think I've posted since I joined this community, back when I met my SZ boyfriend, almost 16 months ago now & was worried about maintaining a "crazy/normal" relationship (ha; since then have been put on meds for depression & psychosis; not sz, but not exactly Jane Sane).

Anyway the point is that now once again I need advice: my bf has just had to leave his course in computer games programming due to motivation problems, and he's about as miserable as I've ever seen him.

His first degree was in politics/activism, which is still his passion but which he feels he can't seriously go into now -- it would be way too easy to discredit him as a mad conspiracy theorist. He wanted to try to create socially progressive computer games as an alternative way to have a positive influence. (Which was very very brave of him, given that one of his beliefs is that the world doesn't actually exist but is virtual. Pretty fucking tough to hold on to Noble Aspirations in the face of something like that.)
Anyway the point is that's it's all gone to shit and he doesn't know where to go from here, & I don't know how to help. He's falling apart and I'm worried. My brother was SZ and he killed himself by OD-ing, so seeing my bf sliding downhill like this is scary.

Any ideas how can I help persuade him that his self-worth & intelligence have nothing to do with academic bullshit?

melissa35, posting in schizofriends @ 3:23pm: good afternoon
Hello again
I've been visiting my Dad's right after my Chicago trip. I've intensly heard the voices. I've listened to everything the child within me tells me. I hear truth and lies. I don't know what to think. I'm almost sure I see people that other people do not see, but they appear randomly. It is a wonder if I will ever be able to have a relationship with a man someday. Yes, I'm yearning for male companionship. I've quit dating, and I've gave up waiting. I've thought about dating again, but how? what to do? will I make it past the third date to when would I ever tell that I'm this crazy person who listens to the voices in my head; Sometimes responding to them. However, I've snubbed the voices too. I've believed someone to be there when I was sleeping, but who is this man? This mysterious man? I wonder if God has ever spoken to me. I wonder if I hear him. I do not claim to be a prophet, and no that I am not. I'm just a lonely woman around family and friends trying to get unlonely appreciating the company that surrounds me. I think I will take a nap. If I am the child who told God she loved him when I was just a thought then I must say, I need God now. I hope I do not turn away from Him again. It may be called religion to some, but needing one of your best friends in the world will shed light and insight into my mental state. Who knows, he may speak to me as my Dr. or a friend. Then again, a voice in my head, but I cannot reveal because just saying these words are crazy enough to declare me mentally insane. I want to believe that Kenny and David come to visit me while I sleep, but I know both men have their own lives to live. I think they each have a woman to live for who couldn't possibly be like me. I can wishin hopin and prayin for one of them to choose me and to love me. Yet, I need to remember I'm a fan of Kenny Chesney's and I need to consider my options. He just looks like someone I once knew, and that is how I got into his music. The young man broke my heart and left me twice like a country song all nice. I don't want to dwell on it anymore. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Please pray for me. I'm going into the hospital upon my return home at the end of June. I see my Dr. in July so hopefully I will tell every sad detail of my mediocre life and me being a wanna be when I'm just a fan. Perhaps more medication is seen in my future. More exercise is seen in my future. More and less eating food seen in my future. My desperate need to be in contact with God again. I need to get into His word and listen. I guess that is the only He will hear me besides my desperate short prayers.